By Joanna McGowan
It was quiet. All I could hear was an occasional creak of protest from the old rocking chair.

I looked down at the little pink face poking out of the bundle in my arms and watched the blanket rise and fall as breath filled this brand new life. He was beautiful.

Ian Christopher McGowan had been born just weeks ago. But the tears rolling down my cheeks were not tears of joy.

You would think that after receiving one of the most precious gifts that God could ever give, I would be happy, right? Instead I felt frustrated. Angry. Even bitter.

Good grief! What was wrong with me?

I tried to tell myself it must be the Baby Blues, or maybe the lack of sleep, but I knew deep down that it was something more.

I had never felt so out of control. I could feel myself changing from the inside out, as if I was turning into someone else.

This must be how Jekyll felt every time he transformed into Hyde, I thought. I was so scared and confused, and as I Corinthians 14:33 tells us, “God is not the author of confusion, but of peace.” At that moment, I didn’t have any peace.
Ever since the new baby arrived, I had found myself slowly drifting into a new pattern of behavior. I yelled at my kids for little things that I would normally shrug off. I was shockingly short and disrespectful to my husband. I was mad at everybody and everything.

Slowly the anger turned into depression as I felt every ounce of joy and peace being stripped away. I would go to my room and cry, asking God to forgive me, and begging and pleading for Him to restore my joy.

I felt a little better after such sessions, but I would always go right back to the Despicable Me.
One day Mom and Mimi couldn’t make it for our weekly girls’ prayer meeting, so it was just Debbie and me. As we talked there on the couch and told each other our prayer requests, I felt compelled to share my situation with her.

“I want to pray for joy,” I said. I was a little embarrassed to admit it, but I didn’t know how else to explain it. All I knew was that I was not my happy self anymore. It felt like my happiness had been taken away and no matter how much I prayed, I just could not get it back.

To my amazement and relief my sister very gently said, “I know exactly what you’re talking about because I went through the same thing. What you need to do is pray and cast out the spirit of self-pity.”

Self-pity? Me?

The moment the words passed her lips, I knew beyond all shadow of doubt: that was it.

I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen it before. It was as if I had been wandering around in a dark room and when the light was finally switched on, I found myself standing in front of a full-length mirror, horrified by my own reflection.

I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself. I hated who I had become. Never in a million years did I think that I would succumb to something like this! But I am flesh and blood like everybody else. Why not me?

The devil saw his chance and knocked me down. It’s hard to believe, but although I was completely decimated at this discovery, I actually felt excited. There was hope for me!

We prayed together and immediately I knew God had set me free. I felt the joy and peace that I had been longing for come flooding back into my spirit.

When my husband, Brandon, came home that night, I told him everything that had happened and apologized for the way I had treated him.

My husband is one of the most gracious and understanding people I know. I thank God for giving me such an awesome man of God!

Brandon knew that the problem was something that only God could fix, and he was very patient with me and didn’t let it destroy our marriage. He forgave me and prayed with me.

God showed Himself real to me once again and I am stronger in Him because of it. Thank God for grace!

I felt so strongly that God wanted me to write this testimony and share it with others. As Philippians 2:4 says: “Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others,” and I kept feeling there might be someone else out there who might be in this same situation.

If you feel scared and without any hope, just know that where there is God, there is always hope. Psalm 103:8 says: “The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.”