By Pastor Bill Neil

“A family is like fudge,” one man wrote. “Mostly sweet, with a few nuts.”

I will add that where this becomes a problem is when we think our spouse is the nut.

There is no disputing the fact that marriage and its very definition are under assault today. Over the last three decades certain groups have been trying to redefine marriage, and really shoving their alternative definitions down our throats.

In redefining marriage these groups have also redefined our morals and the parameters of what we are supposed to tolerate as a society. If this debate is not settled in the heart of the Christian and the church – if we do not embrace what the Bible sets down as a proper definition of marriage – then our impact and influence in the world is going to be minimized.

When God used the early patriarchs Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, their greatest impact was as a family. This included their wives Sarah, Rebekah and Rachel, and the twelve sons of Jacob, better known as the twelve tribes of Israel.

God throughout history has established flourishing societies on the family institution. Even in our fellowship, when we send out a pastor to pioneer a church, we don’t just send a man. We send a husband, wife, and children.

God placed Adam in the Garden of Eden. Then in Genesis 2:18, “the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.’"

What did God do in response to his observation? God made a woman for the man. This is God giving a clear definition to marriage. The second thing God did is He gave the first couple a mandate.

Genesis 1:28 says, “Then God blessed them, and God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.’"

The assault on the married couple is not new. The divorce rate has been on the rise for years.
In 1867, there were 9937 couples that filed for divorce. A generation later, in 1929, that number reached 201,468.

Divorce, through the years, has proven to denigrate societies and it always carries a negative weight into the next generation.

Each hundred additional divorces worldwide causes two additional suicides; one additional murder; six additional rapes; thirty-three additional armed robberies; and puts another hundred men in prison (Jesus-is-savior.com/family/marriage/divorce_rates.htm).

As imbalance entered into society, psychologists had to address the issue. In the 1970’s alone the divorce rate was a staggering 50%. This meant that approximately half of the children born to married parents in the 1970’s saw their parents get divorces, compared to only 20% in 1950.

In their 1974 book The Courage to Divorce, social workers Susan Gettleman and Janet Markowitz argued that boys need not be harmed by the absence of their fathers because "when fathers are not available, friends, relatives, teachers and counselors can provide ample opportunity for youngsters to model themselves after a like-sexed adult" (nationalaffairs.com/publications/detail/the-evolution-of-divorce).

a new culture had emerged and it wasn’t just the professional community that had to figure out an answer. The church needed to dig in their heels and brace themselves for the brokenness that was about to flood through their doors.

A new cultural mindset had emerged regarding marriage, and the church has struggled setting the pace and being the example to an already confused world.

In our throw-away society of today, if you talk to someone and find out they have been married for more than ten years you congratulate them like they’ve just won a marathon.

Religioustolerance.org quoted the Dallas morning news report that Christian researcher George Barna said, "We rarely find substantial differences" between the moral behavior of Christians and non-Christians.

“We would love to be able to report that Christians are living very distinct lives and impacting the community,” said Barna project director Meg Flammang, “but in the area of divorce rates they continue to be the same." 

This is a sad commentary on the status of the church. When it comes to marriage and the family, we’d better get this one right.

God set out very clear distinctives in the New Testament when ordering the family.

Following are three family precepts I’d like to highlight from Ephesians 5:22-6:3.

God’s plan is to give the family the greatest impact.

Ephesians 5:22 says, “wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.” Ephsians 6:1-2 says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with promise:”

Just as different interest groups have wanted to redefine marriage, many of these same groups have dismissed the Biblical order of marriage.

Biblical submission

This order began in the Garden of Eden when God informs Eve, “Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you” (Genesis 3:16). This is an interesting word, desire. It means a longing; a sense of stretching out after something or someone. This is the natural, God given desire of a woman.

But because of what has been projected on women over the past fifty years, those desires have shifted. Women have been thrust into the workforce and have been convinced that they need to pursue a career outside the home.

This mindset has diminished the value of the housewife and has devastated the family unit. The Bible makes clear the value of the mother in the home: “Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine in the very heart of your house, your children like olive plants all around your table” (Psalm 128:3).

The biblical word for submission is the Greek word hupotasso which is made up of two different ideas: hupo meaning under; and tasso meaning to arrange in an orderly manner. Marriage is God’s idea and its order cannot be tampered with.

A wife properly submitting to her husband will merit God’s blessing on her life.

Biblical love

This too began in the Garden: “Then to Adam He said, "Because you have heeded the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree of which I commanded you saying, 'you shall not eat of it' – cursed is the ground for your sake; in toil you shall eat of it all the days of your life” (Genesis 3:17).

In reality God is not only disciplining Adam, but also providing loving care and provision for the woman for a period encompassing “all the days of your life.”

The New Testament deepens the idea of a husband’s love for his wife. Paul leaves nothing up for debate when he says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her” (Ephesians 5:25).

The love the husband has for his wife needs to be an exact replica of Christ’s love for the church.

Jesus didn’t just give Himself in death, but also in life. It is one thing to be self-sacrificing in death, but to be self-sacrificing in life is much longer and harder. And this is “to sanctify and cleanse her,” the following verse tells us.

The biblical love of a husband is to provide a pure environment in which his wife may be nurtured. This in turn provides the dignity and security a wife needs in order to thrive. Verse 26 also says this cleansing is done “with the washing of water by the Word.” Yes, you can bring cleansing by the Word of God, but also by watching your own words.

In the end the husband presents her “holy without blemish” (verse 27). A wife’s spiritual life must be cultivated by the wife herself; however, this verse gives the husband to understand that how he provides for his wife spiritually will impact how she appears to him.

As this verse says, “that He might present her to Himself a glorious church.” This is the responsibility Jesus takes on Himself for the church, and he sets that upon the husband as it regards his care for his wife.

Biblical parenting

We can always point to Ephesians 6:1 and say, “See, kids, the Bible says that children need to obey their parents.” But the context of that commandment comes on the heels of how wives and husbands are supposed to treat each other.

Why do I mention this? Because parents can make it easier for children to obey if they will treat one another in a biblical manner.

I received the following note from my daughter: “Dad, I just want to say thank you that you don’t compromise and you are who you say you are. I want to thank you for honoring me and you make it easy for me to honor you.”

When I read this I began to think about my responsibility as a father – not only to my wife, in making it easy for her to submit to me; but to my children, in making it easier for them to honor me.

The reality is that biblical children are not born. They are made. Biblical spouses produce biblical families.

This is God’s master outline for the family. If the church will embrace this, it will see its greatest impact on society.

The mandate for children is two-fold: Obey your parents in the Lord. This is a clear command from God that children are to obey their believing parents. It is not a mandate that children are to obey the sinful teaching of non-Christian parents.

But do not misinterpret the word obey for the word honor.

The Greek word for obey is hupakouo, which means to conform to a command.

Honor your father and mother – this command is very clear as well, and children are to honor their parents whether they are Christians or not. A child can honor their parents and the position God has put them in, yet not agree with their lifestyle.

The Greek word for honor is timao, which means to prize, to revere, to value, to esteem.

This is part of God’s master plan for the family. If we don’t surrender to this, it is absolutely certain that our impact will be minimized, and it will play out negatively for years to come.

When building a family we are always building for the future.