By Pastor Stuart Reblin

God’s eyes are on the family! Family is one of the names our heavenly Father ascribes to the company of believers “in whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named” (Ephesians 3:15).

Family life is rewarding, but any honest person will admit it’s not always easy. Add in COVID-19, and any vestige of a once-normal home life appears to go out the window.

The pandemic has forced us into the confines of our homes for interminable periods, disrupting daily routines and inserting unprecedented stress into virtually every facet of what used to be our place of refuge and serenity. Depression has increased across the board, along with suicides, drug and alcohol abuse, and domestic violence.

Paul characterizes our age as “perilous” times (2 Timothy 3:1). This same Greek word is used to describe the Gadarene demoniac as fierce (Matthew 8:28). “No man could tame him.” He was off the leash!

The days in which we live certainly feel this way. Our enemy has come down with great wrath, God’s Word tells us, trying to “wear out the saints of the Most High” (Daniel 7:25).

In these challenging times, the storms of life are beating upon our respective homes and families like never before. Yet Jesus reassures us: “In the world you shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).

We stand together, joined as brothers and sisters in “the household of faith,” God’s family on earth with heavenly relatives and a heavenly citizenship (Galatians 6:10). Scripture speaks at length about the dynamics that govern family relationships within this heavenly household. These same spiritual truths and principles preside over the success and blessing of our natural earthly families and households.

Peter identifies the ideal environment for the family: one in which husband and wife honor each other as “heirs together of the grace of life” (1Peter 3:7). This God-dimension in our earthly families is achieved through personal commitment and action on the part of both husband and wife as they build their home together. The grace of life is the byproduct of quality decisions and investments that we make as we build in the context of family.

Paul gives this admonition regarding the building of our spiritual life: “Let every man take heed how he builds.” Building without proper care or investment – with wood, hay, and stubble – brings far less reward than building with an eye for quality and longevity – that is, with gold, silver, and precious stones (1 Corinthians 3:10).

The same principle holds true for building a home and a family.

Using the word F-A-M-I-L-Y as an acrostic, I would like to share with you here six construction techniques. I pray that these thoughts provide you with inspiration as you contend for domestic tranquility in the midst of these fierce and difficult days.

F. Faith in God

Pastor Warner’s message of January 31st on The Faith delivered once for all to the saints said it all. Biblical faith involves much more than mental assent to a theoretical argument. Genuine faith is evidenced by a lifestyle rooted in the steadfast commitment of obedience to God, the Gospel, and the doctrines of Scripture.

It is not an understatement to say that the bedrock foundation of the Kingdom of God is faith, because without faith it is impossible to please Him (Hebrews 11:6). God promised Abraham that through his life all the families of the earth would be blessed (Genesis 12:3) and, since the essence of Abraham’s relationship with God was faith (Hebrews 11:8), it follows that God’s favor and blessing upon all the families of the earth is inseparably linked to faith.

Jesus tells of the wise man and the foolish man who built their respective homes. The foolish man built upon the sand.  The wise man built upon a rock. Both experienced a violent storm that “beat” upon (violently rushed upon; struck; surged against) their homes. The imagery is clear. The storms of life come in many forms, always threatening the stability of the home – not as a structure, but as an institution.

Our secular culture is saturated with godless ideologies that beat upon the structure of the nuclear family. We feel it.  We see it. Rhetorical winds decry the value of the traditional family on a daily basis.

Our faith in God and His Word (and our corresponding faithfulness) is the solid rock that gives stability to our homes and families. Our trust in God is our refuge! It is the shield of faith that quenches the enemy’s assaults. In His Word, God exhorts us repeatedly to keep the faith, continue in the faith, hold fast to our faith, and contend for The Faith.

He warns us that the casting away of our faith is akin to shipwreck. Our faith in God is, without a doubt, the bedrock of all success for our lives, marriages, and families.

“And this is the victory that overcomes the world, even our faith” (1 John 5:4).

A. Affection/Love

Marriage involves the joining of two sinners in a lifetime relationship. Not to minimize the joys and blessings of marriage, but conflict inevitably occurs as the sinner you married says or does hurtful things – intentionally or not.

As time passes, those recurring negligible little habits from your courting days can become irritants with the potential to push strategic buttons that launch ICBMs skyward into your once happy home. Only love can keep those missiles from detonation, preventing friendly fire wounds from festering into roots of bitterness.

Colossians 3:19 exhorts: “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.” In Ephesians 5:21 and 4:26, Paul admonishes both spouses to “submit yourselves one to another in the fear of God” and “let not the sun go down upon your wrath.”

Marriage and family life demand love, and this love should manifest in ways that go beyond just emotional expressions. The nature of God’s love is rooted in the Greek word agape. This type of love goes beyond how I feel about my spouse and children. Agape engages my will. It is the affection of choice; a self-sacrificing love that expresses itself in actions that seek the highest good and wellbeing of another; a love unabated by personal expense and sacrifice.

Jesus said, “This is my commandment, that ye love one another, as I have loved you. Greater love hath no man than this: that a man lay down his life for his friends” (John 15: 12-13). 

Loving a rebellious child or teen can also be quite a challenge for parents. Disobedience, ingratitude, and rebellion are among the ugliest manifestations of human nature, and may require a dose of proverbial tough love. But this type of love must be implemented carefully and prayerfully, as parents work to demonstrate to their children the same type of love that God extended toward us when we were lost in our rebellion toward Him.

Ephesians 2:5-6 says: “But God, who is rich in mercy, for His great love wherewith He loved us, even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ (by grace ye are saved).”

We are all part of an imperfect spiritual family and we will all be hurt and wronged by those around us. Love, empowered by grace, and manifesting in forgiveness, is essential to longevity in the family of God. “Love covers a multitude of sins.”(I Peter 4:8).

Loving forgiveness is central to successful relationships – not only within our church family, but just as certainly within our own family. “Without love I am nothing,” the Apostle Paul tells us in I Corinthians 13, presenting love as the all-important virtue that defines a successful life.

Build your home on love! Be careful to speak kind and loving words to your spouse and your children. Display that love through sacrifice. Don’t keep score. Just keep giving, because at the end of the day, when all is said and done, love never loses a contest.

“Owe no man anything, but to love one another; for he that loves another hath fulfilled the law” (Romans 13:8).

M. Ministry/Serving

The courting relationship is generally dominated by expressions of service born of a desire to please. (Because, face it: who wants to marry a self-centered jerk – right?) After the I-do’s are murmured, this attitude of service should naturally flow into the marriage relationship. Sadly, however, as couples become entrenched in daily responsibilities, their focus may turn inward, and those acts of service may give way to behaviors that elevate inner dependence.

Perhaps this simply represents the fallout of exhaustion and personal distractions. Still, pursuing the blessed marriage relationship that every couple dreams of requires a diligent focus on lifting the heavy burdens of your spouse. Ministry finds ways to lift that load.

Servanthood is the highest position in the organizational chart of God’s kingdom. It has been said that service is the rent we pay for the privilege of living in God’s house. Jesus emphasized the importance of serving in Matthew 23:11: “He that is greatest among you shall be your servant.” The success of God’s house is contingent upon expressions of ministry – not merely ministry as a position, but ministry demonstrated in acts of meaningful and practical service. This same principal holds true for all aspects of family relationships.

God created the wife to be man’s help-meet. Ladies, your husband needs you to fulfill this role more than you think he does – and definitely more than he thinks you do! Husbands, God’s Word tells you to honor your wife as the weaker vessel. The Apostle Paul addressed this crucial expression of service to one another in I Corinthians 7: 33-34. Here we see that the attitude associated with a successful marriage relationship is found in a desire to please: “That he [the husband] may please his wife… and that she [the wife] may please her husband.”

The Greek word for please in this verse means “to excite emotion; seeking to be agreeable.” What a great objective! If exciting emotion and seeking to be agreeable to your spouse has lost a place of priority in your marriage, I would whole-heartedly charge you to revive that objective! If the boxing gloves are on, take them off! Don’t elevate self-will to the degree that emotions are extinguished.

Obviously, parents are called upon to serve their children: caring, nurturing, training them in a thousand different practical ways – and, of course, raising them up for God: “Train up a child in the way he should go”(Proverbs 22:6). “And you shall teach them [God’s commandments] diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise up” (Deuteronomy 6:7).

However, children are also required to serve within the family structure. In 1 Timothy 5:4, the Apostle Paul says, “Let them [the children] learn…to requite [repay] their parents.”

According to the economists who study such things, the average cost of raising a child in the U.S. from birth to age 18 is well over $200,000. That figure varies depending on any number of intangible dynamics within an individual home.

At some point, a child is instructed to repay the sacrificial expressions of their parents. Obviously, this doesn’t refer to financial repayment, but it certainly speaks to “giving back” in expressions of appreciative service.

Children, your parents are not your personal slaves. They do not exist to provide free Internet and Wi-Fi so that you can sit for hours on end playing video games, establishing your social networks, and watching Netflix. It is your duty to contribute to the stability and success of the family – to requite, give back, and serve – to lift some of your parents’ burdens. How?

Wash your own clothes and put them away. Pick up your belongings. Clean the house. Take out the trash. Wash your parents’ car and pay to fill the gas tank –even after they cease to be your personal taxi service. Make dinner for the family now and then. Just a few suggestions… you get the drift.

Remember, you learn to minister and serve in God’s house by first learning to serve in your own house. It is a heart thing!

“By love serve one another” (Galatians 5:13).

I. Integrity/Honesty

Truth and honesty! Relationships are built upon trust. Parents with children, children with parents: it runs both ways.

Parents, be honest with your children. Speak truthfully to them. Don’t play games with their emotions. Kids are pretty savvy. They can pick up on insincerity.

Children, don’t lie to your parents! Chances are, they will discover what you want to conceal. You only hurt yourself when you try to hide things. Be honest, even when it results in your discomfort or discipline. Trust me: it turns out better in the long run. Not only do you gain your parents’ respect, you also gain self-respect – and above all, you gain the favor of God.

“Honor your father and mother…that it may go well with you” (Deuteronomy 5:16).

Honesty between husband and wife is essential to longevity and blessing. There is no room for secrecy within marriage. Dishonesty erodes the fabric of trust. Clandestine behaviors breed suspicion and are often a precursor to divorce. If trust is lost, emotional security erodes. “Speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). 

Be open with one another, exposing your own weaknesses, shortcomings, and failures. Yes, that makes you vulnerable, but it is crucial to the fabric of the marriage relationship. So do this in mutual humility, empathy, unconditional acceptance, and love.

If your spouse comes up short (and they will), and they are honest with you about it (which they should be), then avoid at all costs dredging it up later as a “remember-when” baseball bat of retribution or revenge. If the ‘bat’ is a handy utensil kept close at hand and commonly used, your spouse will likely think twice before being open and honest with you when it comes to discussing what they deem to be potentially sensitive matters. Maintain honest storylines with redemptive hearts, and be mindful of your own imperfections.

 “Confess your faults one to another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16).

L. Laughter/Joy

If the default environment of your home is harsh, serious and somber, it may very likely cease to be a place of refuge and subsequently morph into something less inviting. Serious issues arise in every family, of course, but rather than allowing them to send you into a pit of depression, encourage yourself in the knowledge that your loving and faithful God will take care of you.

Don’t let the darkness of this world steal the joy and laughter from your home! Are you glad to be married? Are you happy to be in your home? Show it! Smile at your spouse. Smile at your children. Laugh together. Laugh at yourself!  Our homes are to be a welcome sanctuary from a dreary world – a place of true joy and laughter. Not a brand of naïve frivolity or silliness that ignores reality, but a genuine joy that looks the heaviness of life in the eye and declares, “The joy of the Lord is our strength!” (Nehemiah 8:10). Be diligent to keep a light-hearted atmosphere in your home – free from strife, yelling, endless debates, hostility, nitpicking, nagging, and negativity.

In today’s COVID world, with its work-from-home scenarios, “leaving work at work” has become difficult. If you find yourself in this situation, be diligent to keep the home as a spiritual refuge, lest it become a stress-filled reflection of the secular workplace.

The world gives us daily reasons to feel hopeless, but we can choose to take an optimistic approach to life that refuses to exaggerate every less-than-ideal moment into a dramatic tailspin. As Jesus faced the cross, He declared triumph over the worst that life can throw at us: “These things have I spoken unto you that my joy might remain in you and that your joy might be full” (John 15:11).

Joy is our heritage as the children of God. Contend for it! Draw on it, as Isaiah 12:3 says: “Therefore with joy shall you draw water out of the wells of salvation.” Joy is our testimony to the world: “Then was our mouth filled with laughter and our tongue with singing: then said they among the heathen, the Lord has done great things for them” (Psalms 126:2).

If joy and laughter have become unusual sounds within the four walls of your home, work to restore them in the confidence of God’s faithful love, provision, and protection.

“In your presence is fullness of joy” (Psalms 16:11).

Y. Yoke/Commitment

The yoke is the harness that commits two beasts of burden to labor together as a team – or two human beings.

Success in marriage, and the subsequent blessing in the home, is linked to the yoke of commitment and covenant.

God gives this valuable counsel to singles seeking a husband or wife in 2 Corinthians 6:14: “Be not unequally yoked together with unbelievers.” The admonition is clear. Don’t make God’s counsel in this crucial aspect of your life secondary to physical attraction or hijacked hormones.

Domestic dominion, stability, and happiness belong to those who embrace the yoke of commitment – not as an expression of resignation, but as a willing expression of love and service to the one they solemnly vowed in God’s presence “to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death us do part.”

Because we are emotional beings, the marriage experience will invariably encounter certain ebbs and flows with regard to romantic inclinations. Our culture’s fascination with self-fulfillment, and the short-lived pleasure associated with convenient relationships, exploits this weakness, offering an impromptu solution to our fickle feelings: Take off the yoke and be free! Dispose of Spouse A and start over with Option B!

The yoke keeps us in place when fantasies and emotions introduce thoughts of flight and separation. The stability of the home will begin to disintegrate if our marriage commitments wane.

Marriage will challenge personal convenience. The yoke brings compliance and teamwork. Unity! Agreement! This is a central thought associated with God’s commentary on the marriage union: “the two shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

While there is certainly room for personal expression and preferences and for individual objectives, the overriding sentiment within a marriage should be rooted in agreeing upon (and submitting to) what is best for the home as a whole. Ultimately, it is essential that a couple be in agreement concerning the will and purposes of God.

Serve God together! Be in agreement with His will. This expression of the yoke establishes the framework for God’s long-term favor, blessing, and dominion in the home.

“Can two walk together except they be agreed?” (Amos 3:3).

The family of God – the Church – remains, because as God’s children we have yoked ourselves to Christ, to one another, and to a common vision. What a wonderful spiritual family we have, and what a wonderful Savior we are privileged to serve! Peter’s immortal words in John 6:68 ring so true: “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.” And so it is with our marriage and family.

Amazing Grace!

I gave my life to Christ on October 12, 1974. 1974, and Teresa gave her life to Christ on May 13, 1976. We were married on November 5, 1978. I thank God for my wife – the love of my life! She has been, and continues to be, a wonderful wife, mother, and grandmother. She has served alongside me as a faithful servant during more than 35 years of pastoral ministry both on staff here in Tucson and in Vallejo, California. We have been blessed with three amazing children and 6 grandchildren (2 in heaven!) who are a continual source of endless joy in our lives.

I would like to be able to say that I have fully practiced – without fail – everything that I listed above. I have not.

However, I can testify that in the decades that have passed, God has repeatedly shown Himself strong as the Keeper and Guardian of my life and of our family. I stand in awe of all that God has done for me and for my wife, our children, our grandchildren, our parents, our siblings, and our extended family.

I can echo the words of King David in Psalm 139: “How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand. When I awake, I am still with thee.”

God is for you!  He wants to bless your home, your family, your marriage, and your life. He will never leave you nor forsake you. His promises will never fail. Hold onto Him with everything you have!