Institutions and Marriage
By Jessica Greer
The latest salvation of the Obama administration is now gay marriage.
The heated debates have polarized Americans for almost a decade! Oh, wait: by polarized I mean that a small faction has circulated petitions in a few states.
There are several states in the Union that have laws that protect same sex partnerships, giving them the same rights as a married couple; however, while these same states have a constitutional ban on gay marriage.
In 2008 Californians voted for such a ban. That means that one of the most liberal states in the U.S., home of the Castro District (an entire part of San Francisco dedicated to gay rights) voted against gay marriage.
How is this possible, when so many celebrities have dedicated so much of their time and money to propagating this message as gospel?
Although the divorce rate in this country is at fifty percent, heterosexual couples still maintain that marriage is a sacred institution. But it is no coincidence that gay marriage is getting closer to fruition while the divorce rate continues to rise.
I think we can all agree that marriage has become a cultural disappointment. All of our grandparents would be embarrassed by our lack of commitment and emotionally fickle decision making. We are a generation of impulsive, immediate gratification seekers.
How can we take such an avid stance against gay marriage if all the while we are detesting our own marriages?
I am a very fortunate married person. Both my paternal and maternal grandparents were married until death and my own parents have been married over 30 years.
I have known marriage as something true and good. Yet to be honest, I had not held myself to that same standard.
I come from a generation of self-seekers and a liberal education that taught me to promote myself before my own children, and that happiness is the root of all success.
None of this is right. It is a lie. Yet, knowing this to be a fallacy, I still struggle with my subconscious tendency toward narcissism.
I deserve more. I could have had (fill in the blank).
The truth is that this cultural narcissism has made its way into my own self-perception, and no matter how much I mock a chick flick, deep down I still feel a sense of disappointment that life does not deliver the way a good Sandra Bullock movie says it should.
Women have a world of suffering we must live through. On the one hand we have the great observer and feminist Gloria Steinem telling us we need men like fish need a bicycle(?) I'm not sure what direction good Ole Gloria was going with that one.
Meanwhile, we are taught that empowerment means getting in touch with our inner slut.
Even here in our small comfortable Christian world, we as women are confronted with these lies. Not merely as demonic forces, but as a subconscious sense of entitlement.
We will "do it right," only up until we decide we deserve so much more.
As a married woman myself for a mere five years (I know that longer married couples literally hear a five-year-old talking here, and rightly so) I have come across some very basic conclusions as I have seen and heard young married couples struggle to grapple with their relationships, myself included.
I realize that our relationships have become a greater focal point than the actual institution of marriage. Our entire marriage has been reduced to how we relate to one another based on the most shallow terms. Appearance. Flowers. No flowers. Money. In-laws. Kids.
Some of those topics we would consider of the utmost importance in our requirements, but what about when those expectations are failed?
Relationship and marriage are two separate ideas. Having a relationship with a spouse is a complex, extremely grey matter. The relationship goes through phases, seasons, maturity or the lack thereof, tragedies and triumphs.
It becomes an entity and takes on a life of its own. We maintain it and give it life as we participate and join together, or we kill it when we do nothing.
But marriage as an institution serves as a law of sorts. It is not changing or fallible. It does not fail us, but we fail it.
Marriage is the law that keeps us bounded within the borders when our relationship is on the verge of utter destruction. As in any other legal matter, people sometimes get so angry they could literally kill someone.
But the awareness of the law of murder has been so imparted into our psyche that for most humans, it is not an option. Marriage is supposed to have the same function.
When our marriage cannot withstand the emotional and mental chaos that is our relationship, we must turn to the law. Although the Christian divorce rate is not as high as the secular divorce percentage, it is still over thirty percent.
I am not suggesting some sort of marital Stockholm Syndrome, where victims of abuse learn to love their perpetrators. Obviously, everyone has human rights. I am speaking to those of us that have grown up in a culture saturated in pursuing happiness – not as a contentment of deeply meaningful destinies, but as an immediate need to all of our daily situations.
The idea that someone would sacrifice their feeling of happiness for another person is so absurd, we cannot even fathom such a life. The root of most vain divorce is self-justification and vindication.
Malachi 2:16, 17 says: "For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one’s garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously. You have wearied the Lord with your words; Yet you say,
‘In what way have we wearied Him?’ In that you say, ‘Everyone who does evil
is good in the sight of the Lord, and He delights in them,’ or, ‘Where is the God of justice?’”
Matthew Henry's commentary concerning verse 17 said this: "It is wearisome to God to hear people justify themselves in wicked practices." In other words, if your marriage counselor is tired of hearing your case against your spouse, how much more is God?
Proverbs 20:10 says: "Diverse weights and diverse measures, they are both alike, an abomination to the Lord." Here is the double standard we judge ourselves by, while adamantly opposing sin like gay marriage.
The institution of marriage is not a flexible, living thing that can be modified depending on each circumstance. There are guidelines and justified causes for divorce, but not feeling happy is not one of them.
As a five-year old-married woman, I definitely cannot offer up the wisest secrets for marital bliss, but as an 11-year-old Christian I will say that individual salvation serves as a wonderful basis for self-evaluation.
Philippians 2:12 says: "Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling."
President Obama may bully high courts into lifting the bans on gay marriage, but he will never redefine the institution of marriage.
It serves a sacred purpose in humanity, and when violated, there is promised judgment.