My Personal Incompetence

By Lisa Jones

When I got saved, I knew this was the answer to a happy life. And I was very happy.

I used to wake up in the middle of the night and just giggle because I was so happy. I thought I would be that happy for the rest of my life. Never mind wars, murders, assaults, harassment, liars, cheats, thieves and people who just regularly made others miserable. I was happy.

Really happy. Geico happy. Happier.

As a young Christian, I wanted to open my Bible ('cause I carried it everywhere) and show people the gospel. Jesus, salvation, no more death, sorrow, or guilt, but forgiveness and eternal life… forever! I remember running into someone who said, "You just got saved, didn't you?"

"Yes!" I said.

"Don't worry," he said, "it will wear off."

I wasn't deterred. What a liar.

Turned out he was right. The happiness did wear off.

I have been a Christian for a lot of years. I was 19 when I got saved. It was the second or maybe the third best thing that ever happened to me (being born having filled the top one or two spots).

Recently, my husband and I witnessed to a man who claimed Rasta as his religion. (I say Rasta because he kept saying Rasta.) I was able to share a little of my testimony with him.

Instead of seeing my experiences as evidence of what Jesus has done in my life, he just called it "a personal incompetence compounded by drug use."

When I was 14 I tried to kill myself.

I spent five weeks in the hospital and two years in therapy, while doing illegal drugs the whole time. Depression: that was my personal incompetence.

I have dealt with depression all my life. Even as a Christian, I still get depressed.

For some, this is not to be acknowledged. Don't confess it. Rebuke it in the name of Jesus.

I actually tried that. I kept it to myself, and whenever it came to the forefront of my consciousness, I rebuked it in the name of Jesus, but it would not go away.

It was on me, and I couldn't acknowledge it, and I did not allow myself to believe in its existence. I tried it all: name it and claim it, blessing through confessing, and just plain ol' ignore it and perhaps it'll go away.

There were some things that masked it over the years: Doing for others; involving myself in ministry; reading my Bible, praying, going to church.

I got good religiously. I got pretty decent at playing a Christian. The problem? I couldn't let anyone in. They might discover the really sad, sadly lacking, sadly deficient, sad, sad, sad me.

I was depressed a lot of the time. I couldn't let others know because, indeed, as a Christian, that really is a personal incompetence. The Bible says "Rejoice!" Then it says it again.

What do you do with someone like that? Well, a couple of things. The first, I am thinking you probably already knew. I was going in this direction: get to know God.

The book of Exodus is my favorite book. Why? Because after no longer being able to fellowship with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, for the first time God was dwelling in the midst of His people.

At the end of the book, in chapter 40 verses 33 and 34, it says: "So Moses finished the work. Then a cloud covered the tent of the congregation, and the glory of the Lord filled the tabernacle."

That excites me because it is telling me God went through all that to fulfill his desire: to dwell with us. To dwell with me!

Also in this book, a whole bunch of times, God does something and then says, "then ye shall know.” I love knowing. When I am confused, don't know which way to turn or what to do, there is a lot I can know! I John 5:13 says: "that ye may know that ye have eternal life!”

I like knowing. I like facts. I like 100 per cents. I also like knowing that I know.

The second thing I do (I'm having second thoughts about confessing here)… okay, before I tell on myself, I want you to know that there are actual scientific studies claiming the benefits of this.

But dare I say it here? I have confessed it to others, but never publicly. Okay, here it goes…

This idea did not come from me, by the way. I got it from someone else who maybe also got it from someone else… but I stall.

Okay, this is what I do: I cry.

Unless you're at a funeral or a wedding, watching a sappy movie, or in dire pain or reading a Hallmark card, it is not okay to cry. Just ask most people.

So I try to cry in secret: in the shower, in my car, or at home alone.

98.4762 % of the time I am successful. It is good to be successful in this area. Otherwise people might think there is something wrong with you.

Ever felt better after a good cry?

In therapy I was constantly being told to stop feeling guilty because it was not my fault.

Now I don't dwell on whether or not I am to blame. I ask myself: Just in case it is my fault, can I be forgiven? Of course.

Get to know God like He knows you. Don't pretend; He isn't fooled.

He wants you to know that He is the Lord and there is none like Him in all the earth.

As it says in Psalm 103:14: “He knows our frame; He is mindful that we are dust.”