The Other "D" Word

By Cathy Martin

Have you ever climbed under something that was such a tight squeeze, you felt you were suffocating? Or jumped into very deep water and for a split second you can’t tell up from down?

Or you walk into your own room late at night and suddenly feel you’re hunted by something you know isn’t there?

Those moments of heightened fear and panic have struck us all, at one point or another.

But imagine if someone who loves you is the one holding you under that very deep water, all the while telling you it’s your fault you’re there to begin with.

That this is the person who is shoving you into that tight squeeze, push by push, all the while insisting that you should expect nothing less of them.

That your safe haven is now a place of fear, and that hunted feeling has replaced all feelings of safety and security as your loved one becomes the one who hunts you.

These emotions and fears daily cross the hearts and minds of children of divorce.

Young and old, rich and poor alike are devastated by this unnatural cause.

Who are they supposed to get mad at? It’s not a tsunami or an earthquake or even a terrorist that destroys their family. It’s their mom or their dad.

As I write this, a group of miners are trapped in a Chilean mine, and everyone is scurrying around to see how fast they can be rescued. People from around the world are spending money to make these miners feel as comfortable as possible during this terrible disaster. Our hearts go out to the family members we see in the news who are waiting, camping, living nearby in hopes of seeing their loved ones again.

What if we found out that it wasn’t a natural disaster that placed them there, after all? What if we found out that a loved one, in selfishness, placed them there on purpose? That they spent months in planning; that they even sought counsel on the exact way to place them in the mine and secure their doom?

We would be outraged! We would demand justice!

And yet on a daily basis, this happens in divorces worldwide. Mom and Dad get together and plan something so selfish that it literally traps their children in a tomb.

And the world looks the other way.

Where is the outrage? Where is the demand for justice?

Now, I know this doesn’t apply to every case. I know some people get out of a relationship due to a very real threat, and out of a sincere desire to secure safety for themselves and their children.

But I work with young people who live with divorce every day. I see it affecting them emotionally and physically.

They are crying out for help and they are met with nothing more than a raised eyebrow or a yawn, as if to say Divorce is normal, kid! Get used to it.

But everything in their inner being knows it’s not normal. In one of my classes 5 out of 7 boys are victims of divorce. That’s right, I said victims.

I asked my students if they would willingly answer some questions on divorce.

It was on their answers that I based the scenarios that opened this article. Feeling trapped; feelings of fear and abandonment; feeling suffocated. These are the emotions they shared with me.

And one more: a feeling of betrayal. As if you’ve hidden your most prized possession in the safest of secret hiding places, only to find it missing at the end of the day.

A child’s most prized possession is his love; his trust; his heart. He thought it was sheltered in the safest possible place in his home, but that’s where it got shattered in the end.

This is why God hates divorce. In Malachi 2:14-16 God says He is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. But, I wonder...

If you really believed God is your witness, would behave the way that you do with your spouse? This scripture shows that God is a God of relationship. He is willing to help, and He is present in your marriage. Watching. Witnessing.

It speaks of the power behind this covenant called marriage – the power to make two people become one flesh.

God is not just talking honeymoon here. You have been joined physically and spiritually to your spouse, and therefore have made offspring that have the characteristics of the two of you in this holy union.

Try separating one from the other and all you will have is devastation.

God says in verses 15 and 16 of this same chapter: “So guard yourself in your spirit and do not break faith (with the wife of your youth).”

So much of the world’s mentality – and tragically, even Christians’ – is, if it feels good, do it. Which, I guess, brings us to: if it doesn’t feel good, don’t do it anymore.

Marriage and building a family is more than just “are my needs being met right now?” More than just, “do I still get warm fuzzies around them?”

Marriage is a covenant that you made to your spouse, to your God and to your children. A promise that says for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.

Hold true to your covenant with your spouse, and your children won’t feel like they are drowning or suffocating. The only time they will feel trapped is when they can’t get out of the room fast enough because their parents start kissing on the couch.

Let God be in the center of this pivotal relationship called marriage. He will bring a covering over you and your children.

Promise yourselves that the only seven-letter word that begins with D to be spoken in your home is darling… not divorce.